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May 3 2014

how to help kids cope with deployment

Posted by hayley
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I like to think that military kids are a special breed. Maybe that’s because I’m raising two of them or because I have spent a lot of time around military kids of all ages over the past many years.

They are resilient little people who typically know a lot more about the workings of the world than your average child. They also face challenges like moving duty stations, frequently having to make new friends, handling the anxiety of a parent serving in a war zone, and having that parent miss important life events like birthdays, holidays, and sports games.

Here’s a few things we do to help our kids cope with deployments—

The first night can be the hardest. Dad is absent from the dinner table and they miss his goodnight kisses. Normally our kids are not allowed to sleep in our bed, but I make a special exception on the first night of Handsome’s deployments or extended training trips. Their excitement about our “sleepover” helps overshadow the sadness about Daddy leaving.

helping kids cope with deployment  |  greyhouseharbor.com

Kids need the physical affection of their father as much as they do their mother. When he’s home Handsome likes to wrestle with them on the carpet, snuggle up on the couch, and massage their feet before bedtime.

During deployments, I keep a big bowl of Hershey kisses on the counter. Every day each kid gets to choose when they want their “kiss from Daddy;” whether it’s first thing in the morning before breakfast, after school, or even when they’ve already brushed their teeth for the night (and then have to brush again). Allowing them the power to choose gives them a small sense of security over a circumstance that is otherwise out of their control. The only rule is that they must smooch it on their cheek before eating it!

helping kids cope with deployment  |  greyhouseharbor.com

helping kids cope with deployment  |  greyhouseharbor.com

Who doesn’t love getting real mail? Handsome tries to remember to send postcards when he travels. I help the kids find the country or city on our world map, then the postcard goes into a little treasure box. Some day these will be precious to them.

wphelping kids cope with deployment  |  greyhouseharbor.comid3465-help-kids-with-deployment.jpg

There are lots of great resources, both printed and online, that are designed to address the special emotional needs of military children. Sesame Street has put together a series of videos geared towards military kids about deployments, homecomings, grieving, and being proud of your military parent. Elmo does an excellent job of presenting the topics in a relatable way for small kids. They also offer printables and other help for adults. This page is full of excellent links to all kinds of support.

I find that coloring creates an optimal atmosphere to discuss what my kids are feeling. I prompt them with questions like, “How are you feeling about Daddy today?” or “What are you looking forward to doing when Daddy gets home?” Questions that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer help me gauge how they’re coping and give me a chance to encourage them through conversation.

helping kids cope with deployment  |  greyhouseharbor.com

There’s nothing like a good old fashioned paper chain. Children benefit from the visual countdown to Daddy’s return and enjoy ripping off a ring each day. A 6-month deployment would be way too many loops, so we make them for the final month or when he’s gone a couple weeks for training.

helping kids cope with deployment  |  greyhouseharbor.com

Handsome was overseas when I first heard about Daddy Dolls. You can imagine the look he gave me (via Skype), when I asked him to get a buddy to take a full length photo of him in uniform (front and back). But he entertained my request and a couple weeks later Songbird had her own soft, huggable, mini-Daddy to love on. Recommended by child psychologists, they’re a tangible way of dealing with separation. And machine washable too!

helping kids cope with deployment  |  greyhouseharbor.com

We try to Skype with Daddy a couple times a week so the kids can tell him their life stories face-to-face. There are also fantastic apps that allow Handsome to read stories or play games with the kids in real time via the iPad – (Ustyme, Kindoma and Caribu).

What about your family? Do you have other helpful ideas? Leave a comment and share them with us!

Tags: kid stuff, military, military advice, parenting

Comments (5)

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  1. Sharon B.
    May 3, 2014

    You are an awesome mom! One suggestion for communication is a new app called Tango. it’s free and great for overseas communication. You can talk FaceTime send videos and pictures. Mandy I do that when she’s in Europe. It is free if you are on Wifi. Otherwise it uses data and minutes
    Sharon

    Reply
    • hayley
      May 3, 2014

      We’re always on the lookout for new chat apps! Will definitely look up Tango and give it a try. Thanks Sharon!

      Reply
  2. Leah
    May 3, 2014

    You know how much I love FOCUS – big time. Otherwise, you touched on all our favorite deployment “ways”.

    I always like celebrating the end of a month too, even if its just ice cream or a fun outing somewhere different. Its a way to recognize the fact that we made it through another month/are one month closer to dad being home. But, sometimes we need to celebrate the end of a week you know, for those really tough ones that deserve celebrations… strictly because we survived ;-)

    Hugs

    Reply
    • hayley
      May 3, 2014

      Monthly celebrations are a fabulous idea! Would give us milestones to strive towards. Time always flies faster when you’re looking forward to something – especially ice cream!

      Reply
  3. Pingback: Does the Army take care of families better than the Navy? - Israel Foreign Affairs May 14, 2014

    […] be longer in one time with the Army but the Navy on ships can be gone up to 85% of the year. 6 month deployments are turning into 7 and 8 month deployments. you'll not be back in port for 6 months after you come […]

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I'm Hayley. Wife and mother by day, DIY enthusiast by night. Fueled by sweet tea and jelly beans, I own power tools and know how to use them. Consider yourself warned.

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